Eating Alone, Taking Care of Myself
Eating Alone, Taking Care of Myself
Are you ready to be the main character of your life? This is a story on how I rediscovered the comfort and confidence of eating alone on my solo date.
Halo and happy Monday! This is Fabi, writing from both Jakarta Selatan and Singapore! 🇮🇩🇸🇬
Today’s newsletter is a story that I am always proud to tell to my friends. Writing this made me feel nostalgic, happy, and content. It’s almost like I’m writing a love letter to myself. In this newsletter, I will tell you a personal story of mine on:
🙍♀️ How the act of eating alone can be intimidating, and even sad for some. But for others including me, this simple act is a form of self-care.
🍼 The way my childhood and teenage experiences shaped me into being comfortable spending time by myself.
🔍 How my feelings towards eating alone shifted over time, and moments when I rediscovered my comfort for it.
🎶 Why I strongly believe that we should normalize eating alone, especially since the benefits are beyond just eating good food.
Also, there will be a special announcement for my Indonesian readers at the end of this newsletter. Please stay tuned! 🎄⛄️🦌
It’s not always like this, but I enjoy spending time alone. I enjoy strolling alone around Jakarta - the city where I live as if I were a tourist, or catching a movie by myself in the cinema or opening my laptop for hours in the middle of a cafe, pretending to be productive in my best outfit. For some, the idea of going out by themselves is lonely and sad. But for others including me, taking myself on a self-date is a form of self-care and empowerment. It’s a total confidence, self-security booster, to know that you are comfortable being with yourself and that you don’t need anyone but yourself to do the things that you want to do.
The idea of spending time alone is not a foreign concept for me.
Throughout my childhood, both of my parents worked 9 to 5 for five to six days a week. Sometimes even seven days as they run their own business. At the same time, I also have an extremely different interest from my bigger brother. He likes to play FIFA Soccer 2005 and Nascar 98, while I like to water my plants in Harvest Moon: Back to Nature. So despite our 2 years age gap, our interactions were mostly just us reminding each other that it was time to take turns for the PlayStation.
I’m not saying that I was lonely during my childhood, it’s nothing like that. The whole family would always sit together during dinner to eat and chat, mostly about school or our exciting plans for the weekend, and during the weekend, we would do that said plan which probably means going to one of the 100+ shopping malls in Jakarta.
But I wouldn’t deny that there were a lot of times when I needed to fill it by myself, finding things for me to do. Most of the time I would end up in the kitchen, recreating a cake recipe from eyang uti (grandmother) or a new recipe from that one food magazine that my family subscribed to.
Spending time by myself was also a natural thing for me to do, even when I lived in Sydney for my university.
The first six to twelve months was a transitionary period and I would say that I did a good job in making as many friends as possible. But the circle quickly got smaller the second year as we found our core friend groups, got separated into different class timetables, had our part-time working rosters, and… life. Life happened. So during the days where the rest of my friend groups are either in classes or got scheduled to work, I would go out by myself.
Back then, it was nothing special for me. It’s just one of those days where my choice was to either lay in bed binge-watching Black Mirror in my room until it gets dark or to go to the cafe that was already sitting in my saved Google Maps list for months. I enjoyed being all comfy in my bed, especially with a good TV show and a cup of warm jasmine green tea. But ten out of ten, despite how hard some days it might be for me to decide, I would almost always choose the latter and would never regret it.
I always enjoyed the downhill walk to the bus stop, the uphill walk to the train station (Sydney is very hilly), the sunset train ride to the western suburb of Cabramatta, and the very lively atmosphere of Tan Viet Noodle House where I get my crispy chicken noodle. It doesn’t take long for me to know what to order as I always get the same thing, and it was even quicker for me to finish the entire bowl of slippery yellow egg noodles drowned in a clear, steaming chicken soup, a small plate of fresh, crunchy, raw beansprouts and coriander leaves, and few slices of roasted crispy chicken dipped in sweet chilli sauce on the side. Once finished, I would probably make a quick detour to Lakemba to get my favourite cup of Long Black, and head straight back to my place in Ryde.
It’s no biggie. It’s just how I like to spend my days by myself. However, for some reason, I can't bring myself to do it once I'm back in Jakarta after graduation.
I love how I am always surrounded by my closest people in Jakarta. Late-night roti bakar (a street vendor selling toasts, like bread toasts, usually during the night) runs with my friends or impromptu noodle deliveries to eat with my family were all made possible now.
During the first few months of my return to Jakarta, everyone was so excited to hang with me. Each weekend, I would need to rotate which friend groups I’m going to see. We would try the new MRT train route, walk around the stations to see the street food vendors and maybe try the cafes nearby. However, it didn’t take long until these excitements settled and life returned to its usual rhythm. At certain weekends, some friends needed to do overtime work during the weekends, others had family commitments, and occasionally, plans fell through simply because one was not interested in the plan I made.
I remember being disappointed and sad on those weekends when my plan got changed last minute or when I needed to do things by myself. It sucks when all you did from the beginning of the week was hype yourself up for that weekend plan, just for it to get scraped in the last minute. Like that one time when my entire family changed their mind and decided to go to the usual sate (satay) place to eat instead of the newly-opened noodle place that I recommended. Or that one time when my friend bailed on me to watch a play just a day before the show.
I felt somewhat let down, for not having someone to go out with, but mostly at myself for expecting that there would always be someone who would say yes to my plan.
For the first two to three months, I would spend my solo weekends staying in my room, this time watching Sex Education and drinking cold-pressed juice that ibu (mom) made. Even if I’m not going anywhere, at least I’m still making myself comfy and I’m taking care of myself, I said to myself. And just like that, the realization rushed in, reminding me that my options were pretty much the same as what I would have back during my Sydney days.
Nothing much has changed. Staying in or going out has always been my option, and I have the power to choose. Opting for one of these options never makes me feel any less or more than choosing the other. So, why should I feel bad for staying in, and why should I be afraid of going out alone?
The next weekend, I decided to take myself on a solo date. Little did I know, that this would eventually become my favourite pastime activities - some kind of ritual.
That Sunday, I took a 40-minute train ride from Pasar Minggu Baru, the nearest train station to my home in the south of Jakarta, to go to Cipete, a more commercialized suburb, still in the south of Jakarta. Not only that Jakarta is huge, but we also have a bad public transportation system that requires me to go to the city centre first only for me to go south again using the other line. But despite the long journey and the usual 32 degrees Celsius sun, I wasn’t complaining that day. I have set the whole afternoon and evening for myself, so nothing is really chasing me.
At 2 pm, I arrived at the salad bar that I had saved on my Instagram almost six months ago. It’s an Indonesian contemporary salad bar, which means that on top of your classic Ceasar Salad, you would also find salads that use more local and hip ingredients like rempeyek crumbles, rujak mayonnaise, and kemangi leaves. It’s definitely my shit. I love the concept so much, of mixing local ingredients with a classic dish, I love the friendly ambience, the colourful murals, and the fact that it’s walkable from the train station.
It’s wild that I needed to wait more than half a year to go here just because I’m always saving it just in case I could visit it with someone else and not just by myself.
I can still imagine myself just sitting on the corner, being super conscious of myself. I counted how many bites I ate off my salad wraps, and I swear I could hear every chew as it felt very intentional. I eventually pulled out my laptop after the fifth bite. I wanted to look busy. I wanted to look like everyone else in the room. To be occupied with my own thing, maybe some work tasks to do, or personal chats that I need to reply to. In reality, I was reading tweets from Joko Anwar and refreshing my phone homescreen hoping that a new WhatsApp notification would pop up.
But despite all of these slight discomforts, being physically there is enough to warm my heart. Sitting at the tables I’ve always imagined, taking in the murals I’ve admired on Instagram, and finally trying out the menu I’ve read about in reviews from months ago has convinced me to do this more often.
As I finished my salad wrap, I had reached further than the end of my Instagram timeline. Back then, timelines were still shown chronologically, so yes, there’s an end to it. I packed my bag and got going to walk to the coffee shop nearby.
I would still visit these coffee shops in Cipete today. Sometimes with friends, sometimes alone. And with each visit, I couldn’t help but reflect on those early days of eating alone.
Now, I have my own set of rituals when I visit a cafe on my own. Some things never get old - like ordering an iced long black and watching people do their stuff - not in a creepy way, but in a third-person observer who tries to make up imaginary scenarios about their lives kind of way. For example, I would make up a list of questions the two people next to me, clearly on their first date, could be asking each other; being all giggly and shit and then quiet every time they ran out of things to say. Or, I would try to imagine what kind of super urgent meeting the woman in the corner has on a Sunday afternoon. I hope that’s not creepy.
Some things I learned along the way, like how reading is such an intimate self-activity rather than just staring at your laptop screen. At least for me, I don’t need to hide behind my fear of being seen as having no one to go out with me. At last, I can just embrace being alone and showing it to the world (or at least to the couple next to me, the woman in the corner, and the two baristas playing with their phones) that I am here, alone, and I’m now comfortable and found contentment in spending time with myself.
Initially, this contentment helps check the boxes of what makes a satisfying dining experience. But when reflected closer, it also brings contentment in another area of my life.
I feel at ease, knowing that I don’t need to wait for someone else’s approval to do the things that I want to do. I feel powerful, for having full control of how I want my day to look like. I feel confident, being the main character of my life. I feel relaxed, to be myself. I feel thankful, knowing that I took care of myself today. No surprise, these acts are now been embraced by so many more people and are proudly being shared through social media - like how @shantigirl_ found it therapeutic and how @bentsenn believes that we should start normalising eating alone.
It can be overwhelming, or rather scary to solo dine. For me, the reasons was a mix of having the pre-conception that I will have a more pleasant experience if I were to dine with someone else and the stigma that is being put and enforced by my surroundings.
If you’re up for the idea of taking care of yourself, go on a solo date next weekend, and know that what’s stopping you is yourself. Maybe you are one step away from finding your next favourite place to get your Japanese cold-brew coffee or a super comfortable nook in the middle of the city. In my experience, dining solo offers more than just a chance for you to eat good food, but to also empower yourself and gain control of your days. I promise it can be such a fun experience!
Tell me, when was the last time you took yourself on a solo date?
Other contents that I made recently:
📖 Read my latest essay on why you should stop translating food names: here.
🇮🇩 A video on why a lot of Indonesians hate the Tiffany’s Plate: here.
🍴 A recipe video of Salata Falahiyeh (Palestinian salad): here.
Open Call Extended Deadline: I’m looking for Christmas Stories! (15 Dec 2023)
Kepayang is writing a special story on Christmas food-related traditions in Indonesia and I want to hear them from you! If you:
Are an Indonesian living in Indonesia, preferably outside Jakarta or Jawa.
Love and/or celebrate Christmas.
Have an interesting story to tell on Christmas food (e.g. your family traditions, favorite local booze, creative ways to cook leftovers, etc.
Slide to my email readkepayang@gmail.com to pitch your story (no more than 100 words please!) with the subject: [HEAR ME OUT - Your name] (Damn Catchy Title). Feel free to use Bahasa Indonesia!
The deadline is 15 December 2023. 🚨
What I’m looking for:
A personal, original story.
Nothing too over the top or pretentious. The more mundane the better.
Something that is rooted in your local culture.
Something that you are proud of for the whole wide web to read.
After Pitching:
Shortlisting: I promise, I will read each one of your submitted stories.
Quick Call: If your story stands out, I will reach out to you to set a quick call for you to tell me more about it! This won’t take long and you will be compensated for your time and energy to share the story. I’ll buy you a coffee or… a milk tea if that’s what you’re into (Rp50,000 worth of GoPay)
Writing: After our call, I’m gonna develop your stories into one giant story to showcase Christmas food-related traditions in Indonesia and it will be published here!
You can check this FAQ sheet here, comment down below, or email me for further information!